Sunday, October 15, 2006

Right-sounding Iraq mortality paper released

Now that the many shortcomings of Burnham et al’s Lancet paper have come to light, it has become obvious than an updated estimate of Iraqi mortality is needed. I have produced such a paper, the accuracy of which can be gauged by the fact it is not peer-reviewed and has no statistics whatsoever.

Mortality after the 2003 Liberation of Iraq: a number that sounds right
Nexus W. Six et al.

Background: An excess mortality of 654 965 deaths was reported in Iraq by Burnham et al. (2006). Our aim is to update this estimate.

Methods: A number was picked that had a certain “rightness” to it. “Rightness” confirmed by US government officials.

Findings: One person, 103-year old Mrs. Salwa Azeez, has passed into the Great Beyond since Iraq’s liberation in 2003. Mrs. Azeez was one of the tens-of-millions of Iraqis who lined the streets to give flowers to Coalition of the Willing (CoW) troops as they took Baghdad. Along with many others she served CoW soldiers cups of tea during the two-week military operation preceding the extended peace. Upon hearing of Mrs. Azeez’s poor health and frailty in her Autumn years, an aged-care hospital was specially constructed in her front yard to attend to her needs. When her poor heart finally gave out, none under than Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice performed CPR into the late hours of the night in a vain attempt to save her. She was, however, revived for just long enough to make a final request: “One group has done more than any other to make this country the peaceful and joyous place it is today. I’d like you to thank them for me. They’re brave souls of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists. God bless ‘em”.

It was noted that 654 964 Iraqi citizens were unaccounted for, but reliable reports suggest they had just popped down to the pub for a quick pint when the study was conducted.

Interpretation: It’s all good in Iraq. Nothing to see here. Move along.